“Hone in on your empathy skills” and provide feedback “gently, without any fight.” If, for instance, your manager makes an ambiguous remark directed at you, McKee recommends responding with something like, “’Some of your comments are difficult to decipher and may not be taken in the way you intend. “Refer back to the larger goals.” Think of it as “appealing to your boss’s higher nature,” says McKee. I wanted to pass that along because I know how much you value strong relationships,’” she says. “Focus specifically on what the person said or did in the situation and what the results were.” In other words, “Don’t say, ‘You sounded like a sexist jerk in the meeting.’ Instead, say something like, ‘The joke you made earlier upset some colleagues. “Follow the principles of good feedback,” Valcour says. It’s worthwhile to occasionally try to help your boss become more self-aware.
#Awkward office chitchat nyt professional#
You and your boss can still have a perfectly solid professional relationship even if she “never asks you about whether your daughter won her soccer game over the weekend,” says McKee. If you’re having trouble connecting with your boss on a personal level, don’t force it. “Try to get to know your manager by asking her about what she’s interested in, cares about, and values,” whether it’s fly-fishing, philately, or foreign films. “Your best tool is curiosity,” says Valcour. “If it gets back to your boss, he will be hurt or angry.”įorging a relationship with a socially inept boss requires extra effort on your part. “It might feel cathartic, but it doesn’t help the situation.” Consider the worst-case scenario. Whatever you do, “don’t laugh at your boss, make fun of your boss, or talk about your boss in a derogatory manner” with coworkers, says McKee. You might say, for instance, “’Yes, he can be overly terse’ or ‘he is not one for small talk’ or ‘he can be harder to get to know’, but ‘over time I have found that the best way to work with him is ’,” says Valcour.
#Awkward office chitchat nyt how to#
You can also support your manager by helping colleagues understand how to approach working with him. “Think about ways you can complement your boss’s missing skill set by facilitating his work relationships,” says Valcour. You can help your boss communicate with colleagues, translate his vision, and generally smooth out his rough edges. After all, it’s not uncommon for managers who are socially awkward to rely on others “to do a lot social facilitation for them”. If you’re someone with a lot of EQ, having a boss who lacks it, may actually be an opportunity, says Valcour. “Your boss is not God, and she’s not a monster.” “Avoid the tendency to idolize your boss or expect her to be superhuman,” says McKee. Do your best to accept her for who she is, foibles and all.
Think about: “What am I observing? Do I feel frustrated or under siege? What is it triggering in me?” Try to remember, too, that your boss is human. “If the relationship is stressful, it’s going to take a toll on you.” She recommends reflecting on and processing “your emotional responses” to your boss’s behavior either on your own or with a friend or mentor outside of your workplace. One of the hardest parts about working for a boss who’s prone to off-putting behavior and cringe-worthy remarks is that it’s professionally demoralizing, says Valcour. “Ultimately your goal is twofold: one, to make the experience of working with this person more comfortable and enjoyable and two, to work effectively with this person,” she says. “Your boss’s managers likely shy away from it, and for you, his subordinate, it feels risky.” But while reporting to a manager who lacks social skills is a challenge, it’s not insurmountable, says Monique Valcour, a management academic, coach, and consultant. “It’s very uncomfortable to talk to someone about his interpersonal style,” she says. “ is compounded when someone is in a position of power because that person thinks he has the right to say whatever is on his mind.” Moreover, it’s not easy to provide feedback on someone’s personality quirks. “There are a lot of people who haven’t taken the time to develop emotional intelligence, to become self-aware, and to learn how to read an environment,” she says. Socially awkward managers are more common than you might think, according to Annie McKee, senior fellow at the University of Pennsylvania and author of the forthcoming How to Be Happy at Work. How do you build a relationship with a manager who isn’t good at relationships? How do you get past his social awkwardness? Do you ignore it? Or try to help him become more self-aware? When that person is your boss, it can be very uncomfortable. We’ve all worked with that person who doesn’t know how to chitchat, can’t make eye contact, or even says inappropriate things from time to time.
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